Today

Today was a rough day for me. It shouldn't have been. It was. I interviewed last weekend for a job that I thought looked pretty positive. A 5th grade classroom at a Title 1 school. It was going to be rough, and the opposite of my west Omaha life that I was in now....but I was intrigued and motivated by these students that longed for attention in downtown Wichita. I found out today that I didn't get it. I am very frustrated. I am sad. Confused. I think it's because for my first job I was lucky enough to get it quick. One phone call. One interview. Done. Hired. Elkhorn was my "dream" district, third grade was my "dream" grade. I even graduated in December and got hired in January to start a new classroom in the middle of the year. That doesn't happen often. So now filling out application after application and going to multiple interviews only to be denied is hard on me. Hard on my self-esteem. It sucks, to be honest. I called my mom after school only to start sobbing to her. Of course my dad was working on the yard when I pulled up and the first thing out of my mouth was "I didn't get the job" followed by tears. and more tears...and then my little brother walked in. I didn't want to cry. Didn't need to cry. I just couldn't help it. I wasn't mad. Just confused. 

My mom kept reassuring me telling me that maybe God didn't want me at this school. Maybe you are suppose to be at a different school. I understand, and I agree. It just hurts to be rejected. My mom and I were talking about Job in the Bible because her Bible Study group was going over it. He lost everything. All his wealth, his family, his health. Everything...and still gave glory to God. I know that I'm not "mad" at God, but I don't think I am necessary "giving glory" to Him? Maybe He is saving me from a working environment I wouldn't enjoy, maybe He isn't? Maybe I would've love it. Either way, I know I need to trust Him....and to be honest, I don't think it's that I don't trust Him. I think I'm just sad, and feeling hopeless. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or invite you to a pity party. I just realized that I usually just put the positive or exciting things that have happened in our lives. Obviously, we all go through different things. This "job search" thing may not be hard for someone else, but it is for me...and so I just thought I needed to write it. Maybe more for myself.

and just as I am writing this my friend Brooke sent me this from the bible study that I couldn't attend tonight: "When it is all said and done, all that God said will be done. He put you here, for such a time as this!" If I could high-five her right now I would. Instead I thought tearing up would be more appropriate. Gesh. Of course it would.